You’re Not a Victim—Even When It Hurts
Leadership is about empowerment, not just for those you lead, but also for yourself. I have learned that one of the greatest lessons leaders can teach is that we are never victims. We always have choices, and even in the hardest circumstances, we have a role to play in our growth, healing, and future. Yet, how often do we find ourselves slipping into the very mindset we preach against?
I’ve been there. I’ve felt the sting of unmet expectations, the pain of people leaving without explanation, and the frustration of circumstances beyond my control. In those moments, it’s easy to feel stuck, blame others and throw myself a pity party, but here’s the truth: as much as I teach others to reject victimhood, I must also confront the temptation to victimize myself.
Leaders Are Not Exempt from the Victim Trap
The tension of leadership is real. We pour our hearts into people, only to watch them leave. We make plans and invest in visions, only to see them crumble. It’s tempting to blame others: If they had just stayed… If they hadn’t made that decision… If they had been more loyal… but when I shift the blame, I give away my power.
Jesus is our ultimate example. When He faced betrayal, abandonment, and false accusations, He didn’t throw a tantrum or blame others. On the cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). He didn’t allow His pain to dictate His perspective. Instead, He stayed focused on the bigger picture—the mission He came to accomplish.
Unmet Expectations and the Victim Mindset
Unmet expectations are often the breeding ground for victimhood. We build narratives in our minds about how things should go, how people should act, and how life should work. When reality doesn’t align with those expectations, we feel hurt and offended.
But here’s the hard truth: unmet expectations don’t make people the villains. They reveal the gap between what we wanted and what actually happened. As leaders, it’s our responsibility to own that gap and process our pain in a healthy way.
Take the prophet Jonah, for example. God called him to preach repentance to Nineveh, but when they repented, Jonah was angry because his expectations weren’t met. He wanted judgment, not mercy. Jonah sat outside the city, throwing himself a pity party while God gently corrected him, reminding him of His sovereignty and compassion (Jonah 4).
Like Jonah, we must confront the false narratives we create when things don’t go our way.
Owning Our Choices
Leaders thrive when they take ownership of their choices. Instead of focusing on what others did or didn’t do, ask:
What choices did I make that led me here?
What is within my control to change?
How can I grow from this experience?
Paul writes in Galatians 6:5, “For each one should carry their own load.” While others may impact our journey, the responsibility for how we respond and move forward rests with us.
Reclaiming Your Power
One of the most powerful things I’ve learned is this: no one can take my power unless I give it away. When I blame others, dwell on offenses, or nurse my wounds, I’m handing them control over my emotions and decisions. But when I own my part, accept what I can’t control, and trust God with the rest, I reclaim my power.
A real-life example of this comes from the life of Joseph. Betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, and falsely imprisoned, Joseph had every reason to feel like a victim. Yet, he refused to let his circumstances define him. When he reunited with his brothers, he said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph chose to see God’s hand in his story, even in the pain.
Leading from Victory
As leaders, we’re called to lead from a place of victory, not victimhood. This means modeling what it looks like to take ownership, process pain without bitterness, and trust God’s sovereignty. It also means being honest with ourselves when we slip into victim thinking.
Here are a few ways to lead yourself and others out of the victim mindset:
Recognize the Signs: Pay attention to thoughts that shift blame or focus on what others did wrong.
Challenge False Narratives: Ask God to reveal truth where expectations and reality clash.
Own Your Choices: Focus on what you can control, and take responsibility for your growth.
Reclaim Your Power: Refuse to let offenses or circumstances dictate your perspective.
Focus on the Bigger Picture: Trust that God is working all things together for your good (Romans 8:28).
As leaders, we can’t afford to be victims—not for a moment. There’s too much at stake, and the people we lead are watching. By rejecting victimhood and choosing to be powerful, we not only grow ourselves but also empower others to do the same.
You’re not stuck. You’re not powerless. And you’re never a victim. Embrace the truth, take ownership, and lead with strength.